"Show me... teach me... lead me..."
I homeschool my kids. And one of the reasons I love doing it so much, is that I love learning. I love knowledge, and helping my awesome and amazing kids to learn. Sometimes I'm teaching them something I already know, and I expect them to be just as interested in it as I am. Other times, I find myself teaching them something I'm not very familiar with, or that I never really understood, and while I'm teaching, all of a sudden I think, "ohhhh....." Believe me, there's nothing more exciting than learning right along with your kids!
So since I love knowledge, and learning, it follows that my favorite topic is God. I love to read and study the Bible, because that's the best way to learn about Him.
But even though I learn eagerly about Him, there is still a lot I don't understand. Why He does what He does; why He allows what He allows, etc. I honestly believe that it would be a blessing to me, or to so-and-so in my life if God were to allow this, or if He were to orchestrate that. Why doesn't He?
Why doesn't He fix this problem? He can do it.
Why does He allow that struggle? He could stop it.
Cancer, joblessness, homelessness, divorce, addiction....
I know someone going through each of these trials, and while I have not heard them speak words or doubt or anger at God, I have frequently heard: Why? What is His plan? I don't understand...
Psalm 25 speaks to these feelings, although I never noticed it before. "Show me your ways, O Lord; Teach me your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me." This is my heart's desire, and I know many people who feel the same way. Eager to learn, desperate to hear from Him, willing to accept whatever answer or reason He'd give, if only He'd give one.
But then that word.... For after the words "show me... teach me... lead me..." the psalmist then says, "On You I wait all the day." I read that today and I all of a sudden thought, "Wait?? For knowledge? For understanding? Is that what He means??" And I realized that that's what He was asking of me. To have faith that the knowledge, the understanding will come in time. In His time.
I met this realization with a combination of frustration and acceptance. Mostly because I know I don't have a choice in the matter ~ that's where acceptance comes in. But the more I thought about it, the more I could see where trusting in His wisdom was a good idea. After all, I would never try to teach my kids calculus at their age. It would not work, and it would be cruel. And even though my Amazing Boy's favorite subject is history, there are things that can't be taught until he's ready. Years ago I had a friend who asked for prayer for her young son, who was having trouble sleeping, quite distressed because of what he'd learned about the Holocaust. And all I could think was, "You taught a 5-year-old about the Holocaust??" I'm sure she meant well, but it was inappropriate. He couldn't understand the information, and it was a burden to him.
Some understanding I will have in time; other knowledge might be withheld from me until I stand before His throne. I won't stop seeking to learn, but hopefully these verses will give me patience in those things I don't understand. Yet.
"On You I will wait all the day."